You Must Be Some Kind of Therapist

SKOT: [00:00:00] You must be some kind of therapist?

Stephanie: If you've listened to any of my recent episodes, you know what this one's about. [00:00:15] I've been busy with ROGD parent coaching and haven't had time to schedule as many podcast guests for interviews. So to fill those gaps, I'm doing short solo episodes, each covering topics that arise in the context of my work, my [00:00:30] primary work that I do most of the week, which is coaching and advising parents of trans-identified youth.

If you like these episodes, I highly encourage you to enroll in ROGD Repair if you're not already enrolled. That's [00:00:45] at rogdrepair.com. That's short for Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria, rogdrepair.com. So with that being said, today I'm going to talk about a concept that I cover in the course called altercasting.

[00:01:00] This is an important concept to understand because it addresses one of the hidden elements of why certain communications either tend to land or not land with your kid in high-stakes communication. Once [00:01:15] you understand it, it'll have a big impact on how you communicate with your child and potentially how you communicate with anyone else in your life that you care about who you might be struggling with.

So altercasting refers to the way that every communication [00:01:30] implicitly assigns an identity to the person that you're talking to. You're not just delivering information, sharing your own feelings or opinions, you are also subconsciously casting the other person in a role. And if they don't like the role that you've [00:01:45] cast them in, they will reject your message no matter how accurate, well-intentioned or important it might be.

Likewise, on the flip side, you'll have a much easier time getting your message across if the [00:02:00] message is packaged in such a way that it frames the other person in a way that's compatible with the way that they want to be seen. So to show you what I mean, I'll give a scenario that plays out frequently. A parent sees that their [00:02:15] teenager is presenting herself online in a way that's provocative, edgy or vulnerable Perhaps she has an Instagram profile with a dark aesthetic.

Clothing choices sending signals the child doesn't fully understand. [00:02:30] Maybe she's 17, about to turn 18, and posting pictures of herself in fishnets and goth makeup. The parent knows what kind of predators are out there, watching the clock until their daughter turns [00:02:45] 18, or perhaps ready to pounce sooner. So the parent says something like, "Honey, there's a lot of really bad guys out there just waiting for innocent young girls like you to turn 18.

You have to be more careful." What the mother means by this is, [00:03:00] "I love you. I'm terrified for your safety. I see dangers that you can't see yet because you don't have my life experience. Please trust me on this. I don't want you to get hurt by some creep." What the daughter hears, however, is, "You think I'm stupid.

You think I'm a naive little kid who [00:03:15] can't take care of herself and doesn't know what kind of dangers there are in the world. You think I would get taken advantage of by some scummy old guy. Ick. You think you need to control me to keep me safe." Therefore, the response of the daughter in the situation is predictable.[00:03:30]

She might say, "I'm not an idiot, Mom. I'm not stupid. I'm not just gonna go meet some random guy." So the mother walks away frustrated. "Why won't she listen to me?" The daughter didn't reject the information in particular. She rejected the role that the mother [00:03:45] cast her in. She rejected being cast as the helpless, naive victim who needs Mommy to protect her from the big, bad world.

That identity is intolerable to a teenager who is fighting with everything she has to feel [00:04:00] competent, autonomous, and respected. So every communication you plan to have with your child in a high-stakes situation, like with a trans identity on the line, needs to pass through the altercasting filter. That filter presents you with the question, "What [00:04:15] role am I casting my child in, and will they accept that role?"

If the role is naive child who needs to be educated, they will reject it. If the role is foolish person making dangerous choices, they will [00:04:30] reject it If the role is someone who would understand if only they had access to the right information, but they don't because they're brainwashed, they might reject that too, because the subtext is still you don't know enough.[00:04:45]

You're naive, vulnerable, dependent, helpless. You're still a little child, and I wanna send you back into the womb. By the way, this is one of the main reasons that in ROGD repair, I actually advise parents [00:05:00] against sharing detransitioner content with trans-identified youth. Look at it through the altercasting filter.

What is the main hope or expectation that you have as a parent when you hold a fantasy or a hope that [00:05:15] sharing detransitioner content will impact your child? Chances are, if you were to articulate it, it would be something like this. You think, "If only my daughter will recognize how much she has in common with how this young woman was a [00:05:30] few years ago."

I want my daughter to see that she's just like this girl who's now admitting that she was foolish back then, that she made a mistake, that she didn't know what she was doing, [00:05:45] that now she has to live with all of this pain, remorse, and humiliation. Really? That's a tough sell. That's a very tough sell. So it's your hope as a parent, however unconscious [00:06:00] and inarticulate that hope might be, that is actually getting in the way of these detransitioner videos landing with your child.

You are casting your child in the role of someone who has something in [00:06:15] common with someone who's expe- expressing regret and embarrassment about their past poor decisions. That's a very tough sell. This is why one of the main responses that parents get when they do [00:06:30] show their kids detransitioner videos or other testimony is, "Well, that might be true for them, but it's not true for me.

I would never make that mistake. I'm going into this with eyes wide open. I've done my research," or, "They were never really trans," or, "Too [00:06:45] bad for them." There are all kinds of ways that kids dismiss or rationalize. What they're doing is distancing themselves from the concept that you've tried to get them to relate to.

When you think about it from a psychological lens, it makes a lot of sense [00:07:00] why these kids reject that messaging. So on the flip side, how do you cast your child in a role that they can actually accept? If the role is someone whose intelligence I respect, whose perspective I'm [00:07:15] genuinely curious about, whose help I need in understanding something, now you might have a chance.

This doesn't need to be manipulative or fake. It can be an accurate framework. Your child is articulate. You are curious [00:07:30] about their perspective. You do need their help navigating this new world of social media and online identity. When you frame it that way, you're telling the truth. You're just telling it in a way that your child can hear So an exercise that I frequently guide [00:07:45] parents with early in our work together when I'm still forming a mental map of who their child and family are is an alter casting exercise.

I will sometimes have the parents make a sort of Venn diagram for alter casting. What are the [00:08:00] qualities that you see in your child, that they see in themselves, and that the two of you agree on that you see in them? And these aren't just qualities that are fully formed. I want you to think about seedling qualities, qualities that are just beginning to germinate.[00:08:15]

If you think about your child's growing personality like a garden, it might have a lot of weeds in it and not too many well-established shrubs or beautiful thriving fruits and flowers. Their character development could currently appear [00:08:30] rather problematic. Maybe it's a big old mess. What's really tempting in this situation is to attack the weeds, to go on a weed-pulling rampage, but this is likely to make your child feel like they are under attack.

So what I wanna bring your [00:08:45] attention to here are the seedlings, the tender flowers that have yet to bloom Of the things that you do want growing in that garden. So your altercasting list or your altercasting Venn diagram [00:09:00] isn't just about who they are now, it's about who they are becoming. And so the Venn diagram shows what are the things that you like about them that they don't like about themselves on the one side, or the [00:09:15] qualities you wanna see grow in them that they don't necessarily seem very motivated to grow in themselves, that would be on your side.

On their side might be qualities that they seem to idealize that you don't. For example, I've been hearing a lot lately about [00:09:30] K-pop demon hunters. I have no idea what that is. All I know is a lot of my clients' kids are into it. So if there's something about K-pop demon hunters that has to do with a role model for your kid, maybe that goes on their side list.[00:09:45]

But in that area of overlap between what you would like to see in them and what they would like to see in themselves are probably things like intelligent, capable, resourceful, kind, thoughtful, creative, fun. [00:10:00] Whatever good qualities your child seems to idealize or seems to respond well to having reflected about them, those qualities might go on that overlap area, and this forms the core of your altercasting [00:10:15] list.

The list of qualities you want to bear in mind and run all of your communications in high-stake situations through that filter. See if it passes the test. When I approach my child in this way, [00:10:30] am I framing them as someone with these qualities? Or am I potentially framing them as someone with these other qualities, the trigger qualities?

So maybe you have sort of an anti-altercasting list as well. What are the implicit messages that your child tends to [00:10:45] reject because they don't like how you're framing who they are as a person in the context of that message? So here's what makes altercasting mistakes so costly. They don't just fail in the moment, they actually raise the wall [00:11:00] higher for next time.

So every warning that backfires, every well-intentioned concern that gets met with eye-rolling or narcissistic rage teaches the child that when Mom or Dad talks about [00:11:15] these topics, their job is to defend, deflect, and dismiss, that there's something about the way you see them that is harmful to them that they need to wall out.

So by the time that you've had several of these such failed conversations, [00:11:30] you've essentially trained your child to stop listening to you on these subjects. The pattern becomes locked in. Mom warns, I push back, we go to our separate corners And now even if you do find the perfect way to say something, you're [00:11:45] fighting against this deeply ingrained pattern that is built up through months or years of conditioned resistance.

This is why it's so important to get the framing right from the beginning, or if the damage is already done, to break the pattern by approaching in a [00:12:00] completely different way. Another thing I can add to your alter casting toolkit is the use of self-deprecating humor and strategic naivete on your part as a parent.

These are also lessons in ROGD repair, but the concepts weaves together pretty [00:12:15] nicely because some of the time, if you put your child in the role of expert, you're also putting yourself in the role of dummy in sort of a playful way. It's really important to capitalize on any opportunities to let your child have more expertise than you in areas where they demonstrate genuine [00:12:30] competence, skill, or growing interest.

Letting them lecture you about their favorite topic, letting them show you a cooking technique that they learned in their cooking class that you haven't mastered yet, letting them give you feedback [00:12:45] on where something should be placed in your home, or letting them influence a younger child with regard to any area of skill or interest that they might have.

The way you humble yourself in the process can be an important part of this as well. [00:13:00] Finally, another concept from the course that weaves in here is the accusation audit. So this is when you intentionally say what you think your child is going to criticize about you, not in a way to provoke conflict, but to sort of front [00:13:15] load bad news.

Another that's another lesson is front loading bad news. In other words, "You're gonna think I'm such a terrible mom." Not in a way that reveals depressed, depleted narcissism. So there is a fine line there. If [00:13:30] you are someone who has ever personally struggled with depressed, depleted narcissism, in other words, if you sometimes get into a woe is me victim mentality and allow your own [00:13:45] depression to suck you into a place where you're sort of sucking an energy out of the room.

If that is something you've ever personally struggled with, or if you tend to be passive aggressive, a guilt trip, or anything like that, I would steer away from this. You need to work on your [00:14:00] depression and self-esteem and not let it have that effect of pulling other people down. But if you're somebody who's pretty resilient, for whom that's not an issue personally, then strategically it can be wise in certain situations, especially when you have to deliver hard news, to say, "You're [00:14:15] gonna think I'm the worst mom," or, "You're gonna think I'm so this."

Not in a way that sucks the oxygen out of the room, but that actually puts them in a position where you've already absorbed the blows of the attack that you're anticipating, and where the next potential [00:14:30] reaction could actually be your child defending you or taking your side. Something like, "You're not that bad."

That's exactly what you want them to do. So this is alt- also related to the concept of alter casting because it's about the position you put them in. [00:14:45] When you intentionally put yourself down in a careful way that's suitable to the situation, such as when delivering hard news and telling them, "You're not gonna like me right now," when you intentionally do that, it puts them in a position of being someone who can handle [00:15:00] hard news, being allowed to have their own opinion, their own feelings about things, and potentially, if they do come to your rescue in the way I just described, being the bigger person.

They get to be the gracious one who says, "Oh, Mom, you're not that bad. You're a good enough parent." [00:15:15] So another hard thing for parents to do is to analyze their parent... their child's self-presentation, such as their Instagram profile, fashion choices, music, or friend group, without reacting to it directly So when you [00:15:30] look at these things, these behaviors, these forms of presentation, and you see darkness, provocation, or vulnerability, your instinct is to say something intended to be protective, to warn or correct.[00:15:45]

But everything that you've learned about alter casting tells you that direct commentary on their self-presentation will be experienced as an attack on their identity. So what do you do instead? You use your analysis to inform your strategy, not your conversations. [00:16:00] You understand what the child is communicating.

I'm lonely, I'm insecure, I'm hungry for attention. I'm trying to seem tough because I feel weak. And you let that understanding shape how you relate to them. You don't say, "Your [00:16:15] Instagram is a cry for help," or, "You're dressing like you want predators to attack you." You just know what they're going through, and you let that knowledge make you more compassionate, more patient, and more strategic about when and how you plant [00:16:30] seeds.

That knowledge also points to gaps and areas that need to be built up in their life, areas where they may need structure, skills, role models, or positive activities. A teenager, for [00:16:45] example, who posts aggressive lyrics, wears provocative clothing, and projects a don't mess with me image is almost always communicating the opposite of what they appear to be saying.

The message is not actually I'm tough and dangerous. It's [00:17:00] I'm fragile, and I need someone to see through this mask Your job is to see through it and to respond to the real person underneath, not the performance, yet without calling attention to how vulnerable they feel in a way that could risk making them feel [00:17:15] more attacked or scrutinized, which you must remember adolescents and young adults are extremely sensitive to.

So to recap, here's the underlying principle. People accept messages that are consistent with how they want to see themselves and reject messages that [00:17:30] threaten their self-image. Your teenager likely wants to see herself as smart, independent, and in control. You can make a list of other qualities that she wants to see in herself based on interactions and reading between the [00:17:45] lines.

So frame your communications accordingly, and you will be more likely to be heard. Frame them as if she's a helpless, naive child, and you'll be tuned out. I hope this has been helpful to you. If you're a parent listening to this podcast, [00:18:00] and you have any reason to believe that your child is struggling with these issues and that you might be anticipating them in the near future, don't hesitate to join my program today at rogdrepair.com using promo code SOMETHERAPIST2026 [00:18:15] to take half off your first month.

The number one piece of feedback I hear on ROGD Repair is, "I wish I'd found these tools sooner," and it comes up again and again in my coaching work. I'll take this opportunity on my podcast so that I don't take it up with [00:18:30] any individual, but it's so, so, so common that parents who begin coaching with me wish that they'd started sooner.

People find it helpful, they find it valuable, and they wish that they had [00:18:45] invested in an ounce of prevention rather than a pound of cure. People have also started telling me that ROGD Repair is just good advice for anyone heading into parenting adolescents. It's good preventative advice, and I just wish everyone had these tools before [00:19:00] they were even in a position to hear their kid making a declaration.

The earliest stages of coaching are often reviewing what's gone wrong and doing damage control. When new clients reach out to me about coaching, of course, cost is a [00:19:15] consideration for most families, and it's a valid concern. It's understandable why people don't want to invest in that intensive level of support of one-on-one coaching unless they're clear that they really need it.

Unfortunately, that [00:19:30] calculus, that sort of intuitive calculation tends to be a little bit off, because typically the longer a family waits to get started working with me in coaching, the more the situation has already escalated, the more damage control cleanup we have to [00:19:45] do, and the longer they will get stuck working with me in the long run.

So there's no way to say this to any individual who's interested in my services without seeming salesy or pushy. And the reality is not that I need more [00:20:00] clients. I actually have an overly full schedule right now. I'm having a hard time getting people in. But still, I do prioritize responding to new client inquiries, which are now, you can now do your inquiries through a contact form That I think [00:20:15] I've linked everywhere.

I'm now actually no longer offering 45-minute discovery calls like I was. You have to jump through some hoops to get the link to book that kind of call with me, because what was happening was that people were booking 45-minute [00:20:30] discovery calls even though it says on the event page, like, this is for you if you've read my parent support guide document thoroughly and you understand what my coaching work is, and you have questions that are not answered in my frequently asked questions and you're seriously thinking about doing this, this is [00:20:45] for you.

So I tried to screen people out using that, you know, to make sure that I'm not spending time going over questions that I've already answered in my FAQ, or questions that I've answered on this podcast, or that Repair Bot can [00:21:00] answer at rogdrepairbot.com. Especially when my existing clients are struggling to schedule.

You know, sometimes it's hard to get people in when they want to be seen as it is, so I really didn't want people just booking these calls [00:21:15] willy-nilly. But what I found is that a lot of people were booking these calls without even reading the event description, what to speak of reading the 35-page document that I carefully wrote to answer all of your questions.

So for [00:21:30] those reasons, I have sort of tightened up my new client inquiry process. So I ask parents to fill out a form instead if you're thinking about working with me, so I have more of a sense of the situation and can determine if a discovery call is appropriate, [00:21:45] if we wanna dive into a coaching package, or maybe you're not ready for that, you're just looking for a referral, or you're looking for something like ROGD Repair.

So that's a little bit of information about the process of getting started working with me. But I will still say that I struggle to [00:22:00] communicate when I receive details in writing about a situation, oftentimes a dire 11th hour situation that a family's in, and they're still, you know, struggling with the decision to make the commitment to work with me.

There's just no way [00:22:15] to say this without sounding pushy or salesy, and so I'm saying it on this podcast as an outlet because I don't want any individual who's interested in services to feel like I'm trying to coerce or, you know, frighten them or anything like that. But I just see so [00:22:30] many situations escalate and, and I mean that in a number of ways.

So I've seen situations where I had a bad feeling about a therapist that a kid was seeing, and I tried to communicate to the parent, I, you know, really think this therapist is a bad idea. [00:22:45] And the parent would usually have reasons for wanting to keep the kid with a therapist, and then the therapist either does something like triangulates the kid and the parents by encouraging the parents to so-called compromise on pronouns Right in front of the kid, [00:23:00] or worst case scenario, makes a CPS report for alleged emotional abuse in the form of failure to affirm, and now CPS is involved and your back is up against the wall and you're having constant panic attacks, and the kid has gained the [00:23:15] upper hand and they're that toddler at the steering wheel that I keep talking about.

So I've seen situations escalate like that. I've seen a lot of other situations where I've issued a particular warning in the context of coaching of, you know, "There's a situation that's escalating, [00:23:30] and I think, you know, if you don't set a boundary in this way at this juncture, like the next escalation is going to feel really dangerous."

And then, you know, parents are often uncomfortable setting boundaries, and then my warning comes true. It, it gives me [00:23:45] no joy to say that, you know, after being a therapist for 13 years plus the last three years focusing exclusively on coaching parents of trans-identified youth, I've gotten really good at [00:24:00] pattern recognition.

So, you know, out of respect for not wanting anyone to feel pressured or coerced into my services, I can just tell you that early intervention is so key. And, you know, especially if your kid is [00:24:15] 13, 14, 15, or if you haven't been in this very long where there are still a lot of signs of ambivalence, that's such a great opportunity to really nip it in the bud and do everything you can to get your kid onto a healthy trajectory.

And I love hearing [00:24:30] those success stories from my clients who, you know, have used my help to turn things around and now their kid is thriving and just getting more and more comfortable with who they really are. And it's such a wonderful thing to witness because you see who that child really is, what their [00:24:45] real strengths and gifts are as a person, and the trans identity was in the way of that.

Yes, it was giving them something. I'm not gonna say it wasn't doing anything for them. In fact, that's a lot of what we do in coaching and ROGD repair is look at what is it doing for [00:25:00] them, what needs does it appear to be fulfilling. But ultimately, as I discussed in my episode on the hermit crab metaphor, it's that identity is holding them back at some point.

So once that kid finally finds the courage to [00:25:15] release the false sense of identity and let go of what they're clinging to, as, as scary as it might be to let go, and have that free, sort of free-falling, open-ended space to become who they really are, it's so [00:25:30] beautiful to witness the qualities that you could see were there all along in that person, they were just waiting to come out And ultimately, in order to become who we are, we have to accept the things that we cannot [00:25:45] change.

It's, it's an important step. And as long as we're fighting things that we cannot change, we're wasting energy that is meant for self-actualization. That's what I believe, one of the things I believe is so destructive about gender ideology. [00:26:00] So once we stop fighting with that aspect of reality that cannot be changed, the fact that we are, you know, in a sexed body, there are on- only two sexes, humans cannot change sex, and any attempts [00:26:15] to change sex only lead to harm, with the harm outweighing the good for the individual and the collective.

You know, once those limits of reality are accepted, that's when the real work takes place of these individuals becoming who they [00:26:30] are as people and sharing the gifts, the beautiful gifts that they're all here to share with this world. You know, one of the things I look for-- I'm just talking off the cuff, by the way.

I finished the essay, like, five minutes ago. Now I'm just ranting. So for those who still wanna hear about my work, one of the vital signs [00:26:45] that I look for as I'm getting to know a family, as I'm developing a mental map of a child through listening to their parents' depictions of them, is how easy is it for me to feel fondness for this child, and [00:27:00] how quickly and clearly does my picture of the child come together?

That itself is something I learn from. I would say, to be honest, the prognosis isn't great if I've been working with a family for, let's say, six appointments with mom and [00:27:15] dad, and I still don't have either a clear sense of the individual that I can connect to, a clear, like, map of the, the child that's been described to me and/or I don't have a genuine [00:27:30] fondness for them.

I know that might sound strange, especially to my gender critical audience that isn't either, you know, a parent or a psychotherapist. If you're, if you're not sort of on the loving end of things, if you're just more on the fighting end of things, it can [00:27:45] feel strange to hear about the love that I have for these people.

But I really do feel a lot of love for both my clients and their children. I feel genuine fondness for these kids. I hold them in my hearts. I pray for them. I think about their potential. I think [00:28:00] about who they're becoming, not just who they are today, certainly not just who they were as children, which is often what their parents are busy holding onto, but who they are becoming, knowing that I believe each of us has God-given gifts, and it's between us and God, actually, and that [00:28:15] some of us-- Some of it is blind to us, too.

Some of it is really just God's business. And, you know, it's always so amazing as, as we go through life and we get to see our impact on the world, you know, there, there are ways that you find out that you've impacted people [00:28:30] that you couldn't have known that that was the impact that you had or that that was a thing you said out of everything you ever said to them that stood out to them.

And that's one of the cool things about going through life is you see your impact, and that's just one little glimpse at our God-given gifts. One little glimpse that we get to [00:28:45] see, but it's still just a partial glimpse. So what's so cool about this work is that I feel fondness for these kids, and I get a glimpse of their God-given gifts, and that is so cool, and it's also a vital sign, like I said.

Like, if I can't feel [00:29:00] it, then there's something really broken in the family system because the parents aren't able to transmit to me through our conversations but also through connecting on other levels as well. They're not able to transmit to me something about that child's unique [00:29:15] individuality that I can respect and love and, and want to see flourish.

So it's really special doing this kind of work. I would say the vast majority of my clients succeed in painting a picture of who their child is that I can [00:29:30] feel genuine fondness for and find myself rooting for and wanting to see that person come about. And as I spoke about in another recent one of these solo episodes, the vital sign of a parent's own sort of hope and faith in that child and their [00:29:45] potential and who they're becoming is an important thing for us to be tracking.

Gender identity ideology gets in the way of people becoming who they really are. I firmly believe that, despite what all my haters might have to say in the comment section. I know the narrative is the opposite of that, and it's a [00:30:00] seductive narrative. Who doesn't love the idea of discovering something deep and meaningful and unique about who you are and what your worth and value is in this world?

Who doesn't feel the pull of that? It's a very attractive idea. But all that glitters [00:30:15] is not gold, and just because something claims a certain intention or outcome doesn't mean that that holds true So I think part of my gifts, my purpose, [00:30:30] vocation, my ikigai, to use the Japanese term, has to do with the process of helping other people discover who they are, and it's really a delight to witness.

So I hope [00:30:45] that this lesson on alter casting, which I cover in more detail in ROGD Repair, of course, helps you think about things in light of that, because there are real virtues in each of these youth. However troublesome their current behavior, [00:31:00] there are real virtues in them that are trying to pour forth, and it's our job to figure out what support they need in order to become the best version of themselves.

I hope this has been helpful. Thanks for listening. Your trans identified kid won't listen to [00:31:15] reason because reason isn't what they need right now. They need a parent who knows how to communicate in an empathic yet strategic manner. ROGD Repair gives you over a hundred and twenty lessons in the psychology and communication [00:31:30] tools that actually work when normal parenting doesn't.

Plus Repair Bot, your twenty-four seven AI coach trained on my entire body of work, ready to help you navigate tough moments in real time. Visit ROGDRepair.com [00:31:45] and use code SOMETHERAPIST2026 to take half off your first month Thank you for listening to You Must Be Some Kind of Therapist. If you enjoyed this episode, kindly take a [00:32:00] moment to rate, review, share, or comment on it using your platform of choice.

And of course, please remember, podcasts are not therapy and I'm not your therapist. Special thanks to Joey Pecoraro for this awesome theme [00:32:15] song, Half Awake, and to Pods by Nick for production. For help navigating the impact of the gender craze on your family, be sure to check out my program for parents, ROGD Repair.

[00:32:30] Any resource you heard mentioned on this show, plus how to get in touch with me, can all be found in the notes and links below. Rain or shine, I hope you will step outside to breathe the air today. In the words of Max Ehrmann, [00:32:45] "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."